


Caesar

by tsukiko_gori



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Angst, F/M, M/M, Thriller
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-06-06 10:19:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6749794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukiko_gori/pseuds/tsukiko_gori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate Universe, loosely based on Julius Caesar's quotes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gallia est pacata

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gallia est pacata”  
> Gaul is subdued  
> Caesar 52 a.C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**I.**

«I wonder why corpses float»

It's sunny and the sea ahead is calm, to the point where it resembles a mirror. Seungri creases his eyebrows, watching in some sort of trance the various waves created by Min Hyun's body as it gets dumped with carelessness not so far from their boat. He turns around, eyes exploring Jiyong's face, examining his expression, just to make sure if he should answer or not. Jiyong's eyes are following the rope that still anchors Min Hyun to their boat. Daesung gives a nod at Youngbae and together they lift the weight and carefully throw it in the ocean. Min Hyun's body follows right after, sinking down until it's not visible anymore. It doesn't take much. The waters are so polluted that you can't see the bottom even if it was one meter deep.

«Depends» Seungri decides that he wants to answer, just to show off his knowledge. He likes to impress. «if the body drowned, the lungs would be filled by water, that'd make the body sink. If, like in Min Hyun's case, it dies before, the throat closes out of impulse and stays like that, trapping air inside it, making it float like wood» he turns his eyes again on the horizon. «I also heard something about natural gas that a corpse releases, making it like... a balloon –a nasty one– but full of this gas, and it's gross» he adds, scrunching his nose at the thought. He once had to raid a tomb. When he and Daesung opened it, the corpse's body exploded, living them puking their stomachs out and taking twenty or more showers a day for a week.

«hum... Still, it's a nuisance. I mean... you know how much does it cost a 80 kilos weight? Boss never gives me back the money» Jiyong looks annoyed, Seungri decides. It's hard to read his expressions, usually, but this one, he sees it often and by the years he understood that that slight curve of his brow and the little –almost invisible– crease between his brows, are indication that something is ticking him off.

«could drown 'em» Daesung chirps in, cleaning his hands on a washcloth.

«and by the way I don't think that a couple of weights are going to change your bank account» Seunghyun says, peeking out the captain's cabin, restarting the engine and beginning to sail towards the coast.

«besides it's not even you who takes care of the corpse, don't see why you should complain» Youngbae crosses his arms, looking at Jiyong with an eyebrow raised.

«whatever» Jiyong shrugs «there wouldn't be any fun drowning 'em, right Ri?» he asks the youngest, flashing him a gummy smile that makes his heart clench and stutter.

He just nods and turns on his heels, trying to suppress the slight shade of pink that it's making its way on his cheeks. While he spins, he could swear he sees a grin on the elder's face, if he did, Seungri doesn't know which meaning it would have that grin. He settles on "none" and sits on the floor, shoulders bumping in rhythm with the waves against Daesung's.

 

 

 

 

 

**II.**

«you should start seeing some chicks, you know?» Seunghyun says all of a sudden, breaking the silence that it's settling between them. «I mean... that or you just confess» he adds, bending his head to his side and scrunching his eyebrows.

«point one: we're working. Point two: don't distract me or I might lose the target. Point three: Confess? I don't know what you're talking about. Point four: I do meet chicks, I just don't talk about it. Point five: it's none of your business» Seungri answers, holding up his left hand, the one that was lazily rested on the scope, and holding his finger at each point.

«I'll ignore all your points. The targets will be here in half an hour as Dae told us five minutes ago through the earpiece, I'm bored and I know that you haven't hooked up in a while because your amount of condoms is decreasing just because I steal them» he props his chin on his left elbow –rested on the floor– and looks intendedly at the younger «besides you know what I'm talking about. Do you think those puppy eyes, red cheeks and stuttering words would go unnoticed by Hawkeye-hyung right here? No, no. Your huge crush for Ji–» 

«shut up idiot! they hear everything!» Seungri spats, totally forgetting to use any form of politeness while he rushes to shut the mouth of his hyung with his left hand. 

«I know that, you brat! I turned it off before talking about it» he replies annoyed, slapping the hand away. He wasn't particularly angry by the rudeness, more amused by the fact he was able to get the younger at such a frustrating point to trigger his calm and emotionless mask to slip off.

«Yeah, you may have but I didn't» as soon as those words escapes his mouth, Seunghyun reaches out and sticks his index in his ear, turning off the earpiece «there, happy?»

«not really, no» Seungri says, knowing that now he has no way out of it all. He is stuck on the rooftop of a skyscraper with Seunghyun for the next thirty minutes, he did get busted by causing a scene, and Seunghyun has shut down every possible way for the team to know what they're talking about. He's basically fucked.

«So, as I was saying, you either confess your crush on mister Leader, or you just get out of it with some fucks here and there... I mean, we always meet those long legged drop dead gorgeous ladies, bet they wouldn't mind to suck you off, would be a good change from the tiny flappy dicks they have to handle from their fat, rich, disgustingly obscene husbands...» the elder says. Seungri knows he's right, most of the times they are in mission together, whether it's as snipers like right now, or to have business talks in stead of their boss. Seunghyun himself often hooks up with those unsatisfied ladies, always gushing over his looks. It takes a wink and an hotel key, after that Seunghyun only has to wait until they unlock the door to his suite. They always do.

Seungri thinks whether or not complying to the prying Hyung. He doesn't really want to talk about it but there's no way out and maybe he could get some good by talking. «Listen. Let's admit I may have a crush on him, that I might not had sex for a good amount of time... Let's say I may have problems getting turned on if not imagining... things...»  He turns crimson «I would never confess». He shakes his head as to enhance the meaning of his resolution.

«Ok, ok... So, let's do this. We go out tonight, after we meet with the client for our stash, I buy you a shit ton of alcohol, you get drunk, you find a chick or a guy, I don't mind, you bring them to your suite, you fuck 'em. Easy.» he shrugs «if it doesn't work, you go to GD and say "hey, I jerk off thinking about your peachy ass, let's turn this fantasy to reality, shall we?"... what bad could happen? he says "no"? he slaps or punches you?–»

«he doesn't talk to me for the rest of our life time»

«which won't be that long seen our job» Seunghyun sighs «listen. What I'm trying to say is that I think he's into you as much as you're into him. He checks you out so many times! I mean, I caught him biting his lips while he was running his eyes all over you... what you think he was thinking? "I'm hungry?" yeah sure, he wanted to taste the lollipop» Seunghyun wiggles his eyebrows before an elbow lands on his ribs.

«Gosh hyung! I think I never met someone as perverted as you! Even GD seems an angel in comparison!» Seungri is crimson. «I'll think about it» he says after a long silence, before turning again to his sniper rifle and securing his hold while he rests his right eye on the scope. He activates the earpiece just in time to hear Daesung communicate that Song Kwangho is now in the building opposite to theirs.

Seungri follows the target, his ears catch the shuffle Seunghyun makes on the ground as he follows his target on the left side of the building, just a floor below. As soon as Kwangho's body enters the frame of his scope, he takes three deep breaths «Target anchored» he says before hearing the same words from his left. «on the count of Gamma. Alpha» he begins «Beta» Seunghyun follows «Gamma» they say together before pulling the trigger. Their shoulders snatch behind simultaneously, under the push of the recoil, it hurts but they're used to it. They check in their scopes the state of their targets. «Seoul Kabul is eliminated» Seungri says, coding the name of his target as he was taught «New York eliminated» confirms Seunghyun before he begins to detach the various parts of his sniper rifle an putting them away in his case, his actions mirrored by the younger.

 

«I'm in for tonight» Seungri says as they walk down the emergency stairs. He receives the clicking of a tongue and bombarding questions from Daesung and Youngbae from the other side of the earpiece. «I'll buy champagne» Seunghyun says, shutting down the chaos from the other side of Seoul by taking off the annoying device.

 

 

 

 

**III.**

«I'll never understand why he's in your team» Kiko says, watching from the other side of the room the white haired boy throwing peanuts in Seunghyun's open mouth. He celebrates when the small peanut enters the gaping mouth of the sleeping Hyung. «I mean, beside being a smooth talker, even if sometimes it's shameful to hear what he says, the big part of everything comes from T.O.P»

«he just likes to keep the best from when it's needed. When working with you it never happened, luckily» Jiyong replies with a soft smile lingering on his features as he watches his members relax in that little time of freedom they were given.

«Everybody keeps on telling me that! Even CL, but really, I've never seen him doing much» she furrows her perfectly plucked brows while smoothing the creases of her tight long dress «she even told me that your Boss pleaded him to be in the team» she says «I couldn't believe it, I still don't»

«you should. He did.» Jiyong states «you would have done the same if you saw what he saw» he could still remember the first time he met the scrawny looking kid, how his movements fluidly allowed him to dance among fighting bodies, his hands flying in the air sl–

«What are you doing here all alone, why don't you mingle with the others?» a blonde woman appears behind their backs, her hands move out of impulse to hold their shoulders, allowing her to fit in between the two loners.

«You're right CL, I should go and stop V.I to choke to death the poor dinosaur» Jiyong says as he shrugs off the hand on his shoulder and walks towards Seungri and Seunghyun.

«what were you talking about?» CL asks. She never was the kind of person to mind her own business, this time included.

«nothing much... I was just asking GD why V.I is in their team» Kiko says shrugging. It wasn't like she disliked the younger, not at all, it was more like she saw pure innocence in those big black eyes and those dark circles. He inspired her protectiveness, a wrong feeling in the game they were all playing.

«ah, that» it wasn't the first time Kiko expressed her doubts over the younger, the first time she didn't know much herself, she was a newcomer, she knew just what she heard, which wasn't a lot. Now, though, she knew, she experienced it a year before and the picture was still hard to remove from her memories. «I wandered why too, then I was a witness of the reason and really, I wish I still didn't know» she looks to her side only to catch the interested gaze Kiko is giving her. _Well then, if she wants to know..._ «It was almost a year ago when I discovered it. It was a normal meeting, me, T.O.P, Dara and V.I. We basically had to talk to this client, he requested our services and the mission was easy. Dara and I had to distract the targets, GD and Minzy had to take care of their keys, get in their suit and steal what they had to steal. The mission ran smoothly and me and Dara had to retrieve the money the client owned us while T.O.P and V.I got the order to make some deals with him for some black market stuff, I wasn't really allowed to know» CL says, shrugging. She takes a deep breath before continuing. «It was all going smoothly, as usual our weapons were left in a room before entering, you know, security stuff. We were escorted inside, we talked a bit –usual chit chatting before ending the deal– when all of a sudden the motherfucker says something about not trusting us and shit. By the time he was done talking we had seven guns pointed at us, that's when hell broke loose» she feels a shiver running down her spine «V.I was quiet the entire time but when the guns were on us he began talking. He was smooth, calm and sharp, I never heard him talking like that... I think that if he ever talked to me in that way I would give him everything he asked... It was almost hypnotizing. The guy seemed to think so too but then... Dara made a mistake. She brought a knife with her, hid it in her panties I think... Matter of fact they saw it. She shifted or something... all of a sudden the charm V.I did was broken and they began firing.

Luckily all of us were trained for this kind of shit to go down so we had no big injuries... I hid behind a billiard along with Dara and T.O.P... when I saw V.I wasn't with us I panicked thinking he was down, you know... K.O... I peeked from the side and that's when I saw it» CL chuckles lightly even though the images replaying in her head are far from funny «V.I was there, in the middle of the room, dancing between bullets as if he was Neo from fucking Matrix. I don't know how but he managed to take the knife Dara had with her and his fucking hands were flying in the air, slitting throats with an easiness and lightness it seemed almost like he was slicing air instead of necks. I was petrified. In a matter of minutes we were safe and sound and V.I had not even a scratch» CL shakes her head, it's unbelievable what she saw, but she saw it. If they were in some American movie she'd think he had superpowers but he was "normal", as "normal" _that_ could be considered.

«After what I saw I stopped questioning why he was in Bigbang» CL chuckles until her chuckles quiet down to giggles and then in a content sigh.

«I can't... I mean... I believe you CL but... it's... hard! I mean, look at him» Kiko says pointing at the boy now head-locked by Seunghyun, who seems to have woken up and found out the culprit of his peanut-full mouth. «how can I believe that that kid is like you picture it?»

«you know... T.O.P once told me that in Bigbang they have the theory that V.I actually keeps all his energy for emergency cases. They think that the one we see and talk to is his "low-energy" self»

«Is it worth YG begging the boy to get in the group though?» Kiko voices her doubts out loud.

«It's worth every piece of my honor Miss Mizuhara» says a nasal voice behind their back. They spin around to be met with their boss, looking fondly at the table on the other side of the room. «I may have begged but, in the end, Gaul is subdued».

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Alea iacta est

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alea iacta est”  
> the die is cast  
> Caesar, 10th of January, 49 b.C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

** IV. **

Jiyong didn't really know how he lost it, thing is, he did, which was pitiful since just an hour prior Youngbae told him to keep his cool and he cockily replied "I always keep my cool" and then there it was: not keeping his cool.

Could he be blamed though? No, not really. Not from his point of view at least. To him, the younger had to know what he was doing when he did all those things back in the bar, right?

«J-Jiyong?» he brakes out of his revere as he hears Seungri hesitantly speak. His eyes roam over his own arms, one extended towards the wall, the other gripping strongly the collar of the younger's shirt. His gaze travels up until it meets the look full of fear Seungri is giving him. He should have expected such a reaction. He was harsh as he pushed him against the wall wordlessly before pulling him some inches above the wooden floor. Anybody would be scared since nobody up until today has ever defeated the almighty dragon. Anybody, but not Seungri. He's used to eyes full of devotion, admiration and affection, not fear. It brakes him a little, especially since he thought–

«I... I'm sorry» he shakes his head as he releases the grip and heaves down a deep breath, releasing the breath he wasn't aware he was keeping. He suddenly feels drained so he just rests his other hand on the wall behind Seungri and places his forehead on the younger's shoulder. «I'm really sorry... I don't know what was in m–».

His words are cut short as he feels Seungri's cheek pressing on the top of his head and a hand caressing the side of his waist. The soft breath, warm against his cold skin manages to calm down his raging heartbeat. «It's ok hyung... It's ok» those words manage to pull him towards relaxation, a feeling he hardly knows, most of the times associated by the same boy that is now giving him warmth like a blanket with just soft words and light touches.

Things like this make him desire he owned the power to stop the time, or that at least he could escape from the world they are in, dragging Seungri with him, but he can't. He can't escape reality as much as he can't own the younger as he wish he would.

That's why he pulls away right before he gets too comfortable. As his eyes instinctively travel again to meet the younger's, he pretends he doesn't notice the desire, the affection and the expectation those orbs hold only for him. He puts his emotionless mask on and deliberately misses how the younger is looking at his lips, just because he knows he wouldn't be able to hide the mutual desire he feels.

«you should go back to the others. I'm going to stay in my room» it sounds normal but they both know it really means two orders: «go away and don't disturb me» so Seungri nods and manages to hide in time the disappointment that would be painted on his face. Jiyong just turns around and as he walks towards the elevator that'll lead him to his suite, he pretends that he doesn't know that for the next hours the younger will drown in liquor and bring a nobody to his room to spend the night with. He also pretends he doesn't hate every bit of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**V.**

He's a twisted fucker, that, he knows. He knows that enjoying the cracking sound of a neck, the density and warmth of freshly gushed blood, isn't normal. While he slides his scalpel up and down the arms of his targets, as he purposely asks questions when they are in no state of lucidity just so he can pull a tendon or two, as he hums at the same rhythm of the snapping bones, he has no doubt about how twisted and sick his mind is.

He doesn't collect scrapes of skin or teeth as others did before, but he bathes in the pleas and shouts coming from their mouths. «Please GD-ssi, please!» they scream and shout but it only makes his head lighter, the heart thunder, his ears tingle. 

 

If you asked him, he'd say it's _fun_  but it's more on the "amusing" side, than the "fun" side. 

 

Youngbae sometimes tells him that it's because of how he was brought up, but Youngbae grew up the same way he did and he isn't twisted, he just has some rage issues. Sometimes Daesung tries to reason that he wasn't always like this, that maybe he just got so much used to the torturing process that he grew bored of it and now looks for the "fun" of it, but it can't be that way either, because he always liked it, it's just that now he doesn't hide it. Seunghyun says that perhaps he became crazy, gone mental, like him, but Seunghyun isn't crazy –well... not that much– not enough to be "mental" and so isn't Jiyong, he knows. He doesn't feel mental. 

Seungri never said anything about his... _enjoyment_ , he just accepted it as part of the package. That's what he always thought. When the younger first met him, Jiyong had the impression that Seungri  _wanted_ him to be a hero, someone to look up to and so he accepted even his twisted self. That's what he thought until he _saw_ him. 

He never asked the younger how he learnt to fight that way, how he managed to talk so smoothly, especially since most of the time he was talking nonsense or mumbling words until it was just _funny_. He didn't ask anything but he heard much, enough to let him think that maybe he wasn't alone, maybe Seungri was as twisted as he was, that maybe he didn't accept him, he understood him. His assumptions were confirmed the moment Seungri showed his real side and Jiyong watched, happy.

It felt like he wasn't alone. Yeah, Seungri didn't openly express his gory thoughts, he didn't unleash his demons as easily as Jiyong did, but as Jiyong met the eyes of the younger, laughing at the whimpers of a man who got nail after nail removed, after his eyes sparkled at the tears and screams of pain when a finger after the other fell on the floor, he saw the same amusement, well hidden, on Seungri's features and he didn't feel alone anymore.

Maybe that caused him to fall down a hole of feelings he wasn't used to feel, maybe that was the reason why his heart clenched when he realized he didn't own Seungri, maybe that was the cause behind the swelling feeling in his chest when he realized he wasn't alone feeling feelings he shouldn't own.

 

It was _complicated,_ though. Everything was. It wasn't much like anybody gave a fuck of his sexual life, the world was already doomed to stop and think about sins. It wasn't even about bullshit like protectiveness and risks, they would die sooner or later anyway and the younger was perfectly able to look after himself without him worrying. It was more like a feeling that he just couldn't, shouldn't. 

His guts twisted in knots every time he was close to step over the line and comply to those feelings he held. He was afraid but the reason why was out of his reach, that's why, as he waited the moment he would be able to understand, he would control himself. He had to. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

** VI. **

«I always enjoyed watching the sun rise»

Jiyong's steps falter midway. Not really sure about what to do with a foot suspended above the ground, he places it carefully down and turns his body towards the windows, towards the voice, towards _Seungri_. He doesn't say anything, slightly petrified and... scared? He doesn't really know. He knows, though, that he probably already screwed up by trying to sneak out, so maybe it's best if he stays quiet, for now.

«there's something poetic about dawns. The sun rises ever so slowly behind the horizon and life wakes alongside» Jiyong looks out of the window, the sun is a frightening dark red, his light slowly fading, his core gradually dying. «it's always been the same, even now, after it was made official that our doom is near... but birds still wake with the sun, their chirps growing louder as the sun rises higher. You see one man on the other side of the river taking a walk, then a truck, then a car... It all happens gradually and before you know it, the streets are populated, people going by, doing their pointless tasks to keep them busy by our impending end, and the sun is up, you didn't even notice».

Seungri's voice sounds detached from reality, as if he was caged inside his mind, as if words flew out of his mouth unconsciously. Jiyong wandered if he was even awake. This Seungri was a Seungri he never met before.

«I think that little things are like the sunrise, hyung» Seungri, just by calling him, seems like he read his thoughts, giving him a sign that he's well awake and very aware of what he's saying. Then what is he meaning? «things like life and death, love and hate, happiness and grief... Those usually grow, those things begin with a seed that spreads like ivy in your system, like, as I was saying, the sun. It rises and just when it's high up the sky, it goes down at the same pace»

Jiyong doesn't really know what to say. It's six in the morning and he was never one to wake up early. Today he did, but it was because of the coldness that seeped under the covers of the duvet, until his teeth were chattering and his body was trembling. He woke but his mind was still clouded by Morpheus' mist. A movement catches his attention. His eyes were casted down but he sees the shifting of a shadow in front of him and before him. He snaps his head up and Seungri is right there, in front of him. He would find him beautiful as he always does if he wasn't distracted by the blackness of those irises, the darkness under his eyes, the red polluting the white waters of his scleras.

«this is way far from the dawn though, hyung» his breath is almost reaching his cheeks and Jiyong can smell coffee and cigarettes in it «this was as sudden as a thunder in a clear sky, like the bullet through the skull of an idiot that plays Russian Roulette. It was for me at least» he sees something flashing behind those tired eyes, something really similar to anger. «but when you silently wake up and sneak behind my back to... run away» Seungri seems also a bit broken and Jiyong knows perfectly it's his fault «when you make me believe in something more... I realize that this is not Russian Roulette for you. 

You're playing me. You're playing me like a man addicted to Casinos, like a man that knows he has all the chances he wants, as long as he doesn't get bored... this, though, it's your last run. Your die is cast, and I'm sorry to say that this was your last chance»

 

Seungri walks past him and closes his bedroom door behind him. Jiyong, as he makes his way to his own suite, thinks that maybe Seungri is not so similar to him, that maybe he doesn't understand him as much as he believed. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt.”  
> Men willingly believe what they wish.
> 
> Caesar

 

 

 

 

** VII. **

Things get misty and confused after the Night of the Dancing Lights, that's how news papers call it the next day. The year 2003 arrives charged with promises to hopeful people, threats to those who fear life. 

Seunghyun is 13 when his mother turns off the TV in the cafeteria. The soldiers sitting at their tables don't protest as they all silently take in what happened the night before. It's weird for Seunghyun to see the same people that run down streets slicing throats for money and fun, suddenly appear vulnerable. Mercenaries are not fearful people, especially those who belong to the Foreign Legion, but now they fear. Those lights falling from the sky were pretty, before they knew their meaning, now it's worrisome.

Seunghyun doesn't know what's really happening. What he knows is that Operation Licorne is over and they have to leave the Ivory Coast and find new lives, so his mom and dad take the first plane to get them to their mother land. They give him a new identity and he has to forget who Lee Seunghyun is, in order to become Lee Seungri. 

Hannah is waiting for them at the airport, flooded by people who are going home, but Seungri doesn't feel at home at all,  he hardly knows his sister , he also hardly knows Korean, used as he is to speak French and English. He doesn't get the point of anything they're doing. Why are they going back "home" when they're all dying anyway? Why does he have to go to school and pretend he is normal? As if he wasn't spending the last six years of his life watching his parents fire bullet after bullet through unnamed bodies? As if he didn't spend the last eight years studying, along the other kids, things like battle training, coding, strategy and ballistics. 

It's useless to say he doesn't fit in. It feels weird seeing his parents being "affectionate" and "concerned" about him, when just a few months before they didn't turn their heads even once before going out of the base for a mission. It's beyond foreign every interaction of forced connection they try with him. Seungri doesn't want any of it, so he escapes.

He lives on the streets enough to learn how casual interaction works, enough to learn the language he was used to hear only from his parents' mouths. He moves alone, he steals –mostly– sometimes he robs, other times he pick up fights –when he's bored– and he basically waits for the day the sun will finally die and people will stop pretend that they are fine, that everything is fine.

He finds himself in the middle of big fight. They bring guns and he has just a pocket knife. He uses his wit, laying down all the things he learnt back in Afghanistan, when his teacher there thought it would be useful to teach him tactics on how to speak, how to lie, how to pass through a torture and many more. He talks and talks and buys with his words his escape. That would be if he wasn't Seungri, because Seungri does what he does best, he screws up. Maybe it's because he's bored or tired or who-knows-why, but suddenly he's under fire and he's more than happy to take out his knife and dance trough those bullets, his hands and arms locating which point to hit before sliding the blade, deep enough to kill but not enough to slow down his movements.

When he stands in the middle of a pool of blood and lifeless bodies, he feels the thrill he only felt while he was training. It's the first time he actually kills and he managed to make a massacre. He's proud.

Clapping hands take him out of his glorious thoughts and he turns to see a man with a strange grin on his face. His name is Yang Hyun Suk but he prefers to be called YG, and for the next five days and seventeen hours he will mercilessly ask and plead the boy to be part of his group –Bigbang, that's how it's called–. Seungri complies only when he meets the five boys that for the first time, since the Foreign Legion, made him feel at _home_.

 

 

 

 

 

** VIII. **

They don't talk about Hyunseung. It's something taboo, a name that no-one dare to call, a story nobody dares to tell.

After ten years they manage to get through it, almost. Youngbae moves on but if his calls aren't answered he grips his phone and throws it against a wall, if you end up on a hospital bed, he brakes things and shouts profanities. He tries his best to control this behavior by visiting churches every Sunday and meditating when he gets a chance, but fear is right there, in the back of his mind, and it will never go away.   
Daesung keeps on smiling as he always does –which to many seems creepy but he can't help the lightness in his heart– but he doesn't go on mission anymore. He prefers staying behind a computer screen or dealing with the aftermath. He doesn't interact with living beings aside from his team. He follows Youngbae to church every Sunday because he believes that bad things can't happen inside a church, nobody would dare.  
Seunghyun is weird, as only him can be. They don't talk about the changes that that event drew upon them but they see it. Seunghyun hides it well. He lives his life as he used to, plays around as he always did, he cracks jokes, he still gets his fun by making people uncomfortable, still talk about whatever is in his mind. Nobody knows that, when he's alone, he talks to Hyunseung for hours. He sits at his large table and sets it for two, he prepares two glasses of wine and cooks double portions of his food. Hyunseung never answers back and it pisses him off sometimes, but he has a lot of anecdotes to tell and Hyunseung is always a great listener.  
Jiyong doesn't remember. He wakes up one day in one of YG's hospital wards, head bandaged and a heavy headache. There's Daesung, Seunghyun and Youngbae.  
«Where's Seungri?» he croaks out with a voice he hardly recognize as his. The others warily look at him before mumbling words about another room and him not being able to come. When a Psychiatrist arrives in his room, he wanders exactly why was she called in there, she asks him what does he remember and he says what he knows. When he gets out of the hospital, he doesn't understand why people are either confused or scared every time he gets close to Seungri, it's like they are surprised or wait for him to do something. He doesn't, though, and after a while everyone seem to get used to it, even if Jiyong still doesn't understand what _it_ is. Even Seungri stops flinching away and Jiyong is contempt.  
Seungri remembers. He remembers everything, from the accusations of him being the cause of Hyunseung's death, to the beatings he received on a daily from Jiyong. He remembers the spit that landed on his face as well as the look of disgust for him being still alive. He remembers the venom laced voice and mostly he remembers the hatred the one he admired the most felt for him. He needs a couple of minutes to remember the night Jiyong smashed his head against the wall an uncountable number of times, but he still can remember... mostly. After the moment he fell on the floor, his head was too dizzy and his body was becoming numb, it was hard to concentrate on the blood he was coughing or the broken ribs. He remember the kick though, the one that landed hard on his face, the one that sent him into darkness.

Jiyong unwillingly forgets, the psychiatrist says. His mind chooses to erase painful memories, memories of his loved brother, memories of his deep pain, memories of his blind hatred, memories of his deep regret, memories of the gun pointed against his temple and how he misses, he fucking misses, and survive.

Seungri willingly forgets, the others say. He willingly decided to erase the painful days, the hatred received by his loved brother, the deep pain splayed over weeks of torture, the blinding sourness caused by betrayal, the deep regret of being still alive, the way his skull cracks loudly under the pressure of a leather combat boot and how it hurts, it fucking hurts, but he survives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**IX.**

He's dreaming. That must be it, because it's impossible that he's letting this happen, not after he constantly reminded himself to not touch the younger. If it's a dream, though, he's gonna let it happen, and he's going to fucking enjoy every bit of it. Starting from the lips.

Seungri's lips are soft, and pink, and perfect. They're slightly parted, naturally curved and upturned in a cat-like shape, and those lips taste like heaven, if he believed in it. If he was _admitted_ in it. Those lips are damnation at the same time, and a drug, better than the ones he tried before –way better– and are inviting. This is all impossible, because how can lips be heaven and hell at the same time? _It must be a dream_ , he repeats to himself, _or a nightmare_ , he adds right after, but he doesn't debate any longer  on whatever it is because those lips are calling for him, and he's not someone to ignore such a call, so he attacks those lips with the same ferocity of a predator, and those damn, pink, perfect – _oh so perfect_ – lips let his tongue slighter in and taste, taste and taste. He's thirsty and he drinks the moans that come out of that mouth as it was nectar.   
He enjoys every bit of the consuming kiss until he's deprived of those sinful lips and he can't control himself as he tries to follow that damn drug, because how dare he take away that wonderful drug from him? «fuck» he lets out as soon as he discovers the intentions of the younger. He feel the softness against his neck, the bite right at the juncture between his neck and shoulder and it's so bloody amazing the fill of suction that follows after, demanding a moan out of him. He's so fully gone that how did he manage to get them both on the bed, is a mystery. _What a beautiful dream this is._  

If he thought that those lips where the best part of his dream, than now he reconsider his previous idea because those hands deserve an award, a poem, a song, anything. Those hands that travel down his body and undress him, those hands that slide down his chest while he straddle the younger, those hands that grip at his hips when he encircle the pink nipple and that hold him tighter when he bites down. How can just a pair of hands make him shatter? Make his spine shiver? Make his insides twist and his cock harden? It's another confirmation that this is a dream, a sinful one, but still a dream.  
Contradiction is all Seungri seems about, Jiyong thinks. It's a contradiction the gentleness of those hands that caress his cheeks and that softly pull him upwards for another kiss, a contradiction against the way those fingers pull at his hair as he circles his tongue against the slit of Seungri's cock, or the way they pull his head, forcing him to take him all at once. But Jiyong loves contradictions, loves the tenderness and the harshness. _Jiyong loves this dream._

The voice Seungri has may be his favorite. It's a soft melody in his loudness, smooth honey even when it breaks, and it breaks. It breaks at each strong thrust against his prostate, it cracks each time it reaches a note higher. It feels like a song that Jiyong would love to hear everyday, put it on replay and listen again and again the chants of «harder» and «Jiyong» that come out Seungri's mouth.   
He slows down his rhythm, just so he can hear him plead and it's so satisfying when Seungri breaks and «please, please fuck me, fuck me harder» finally comes out, and Jiyong does, how could he not? He couldn't deny a thing to that voice. Seungri might be a magician, for all he knows, because he has him in the palm of his hand, right here and right now he's hypnotized and when the younger breaths «I'm gonna cum» against his neck, it's like a spell that has him spilling inside the younger as the both of them come shouting the other's name.

Between lips, hands and voice, if Jiyong had to choose which one he prefers out of the three, he chooses Seungri's voice, because he's heart swells and stutter when he hears «I love you». It's a whisper and he nearly doesn't catch it but he does and Jiyong smiles bitterly because men willingly believe what they wish, and he really wishes that this was a dream.  
 

  
 

 

  
 

 


	4. Veni, Vidi, Vinci

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Veni, vidi, vinci"  
> I arrived, I saw, I won  
> Caesar, 2nd of August, 47 b.C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

** X. **

He strides across the street right after midnight, his head aching to the point of making him feel nauseous.

He doesn't give his brain enough time to process anything, so he knocks three times on the door and when nobody answers, he takes the gun out of his shoulder holster and empties the entire chamber, bullets managing to destroy completely the lock.

«what the actual fuck?»

He doesn't realize he has a gun against him before he sees it. Seungri looks undoubtedly confused and take a couple of seconds to put down the revolver he still has pointed against the middle of Jiyong's eyebrows. He still looks utterly confused as to why the elder just blew up his apartment door, but manages to compose himself enough to move to the side and let his Leader in.

«you know, you could have waited for me to actually  _arrive_  to the door before blowing it up» Seungri says, a bit surprised by the calmness in his own voice. He watches as Jiyong walks in and nervously start to pace around his room, never once giving him a glance, and as minutes go by Jiyong has to still utter a word. «listen, if you don't want to tell me why you blew up my door or why you're here in the first place –he sighs as he receives silence as a reply– I'm going back to sleep, and tomorrow morning, you  _will_  give me your black car-»

«Seungri» he gets interrupted right before ending his sentence, so he spins around, ready to fight for his right to use the black card, whether Jiyong likes it or not. It's the least he could do.

«Wh–» he's ready to spat, but the words die in his throat when he sees the elder «H-hyung?» he uncertainly asks, all the bitterness disappeared . Seungri silently damn himself for his concern towards the elder. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't feel the need to–

«Hy–Hyunseung» it's all Jiyong says, and Seungri watches as Jiyong crumble.

 

 

 

 

** XI. **

** Jiyong, Hyunseung and Youngbae are inseparable. **

Yang Hyun Suk finds Jiyong in an alley near Mia Ri1, he's six and from what the boy tells him, the woman with violet hair takes her time to give him some food, sometimes she lets the boy take a shower before her clients come up, other times, when her clients are quick, she lets him sleep on the floor, since the room has been already paid for an hour. YG doesn't know how the boy survived up until that day, Jiyong doesn't remember, he just knows he's always lived like that, with people taking pity of him but never enough to actually take him with them.   
Hyun Suk isn't someone who should take care of kids, at all, but once he sees the boy, he can't deny him anything, especially since he sees something in him. After all, he could make a good use of the boy, once he gets enough training, he can take care of some deals for him. Police would never suspect a kid, right?

YG meets Youngbae in a different way. He's checking on Yuna, he saw a couple of bruises the day before, and he can't let his girls to be ruined. He offers quality, even if illegal.   
He's standing in the parking lot, waiting for her to be done with her client, so he can first check her out and then beat the client to death, maybe take his money, if he marked her in any way. Some noises from the room nearby catch his attention, and as he readily reaches his back to take out his gun, a scrawny looking boy jumps out of the window and runs in his direction, a tramp screaming profanities at him while throwing their way a pair of shimmering platforms. He doesn't understand his own movements, but he grabs the boy's arm when he's within reach and point his gun at the tramp that, scared, draws the curtains and turns down the lights.  
Youngbae's story is similar to Jiyong's, exception made for the fact that Youngbae knows how he survived up until that day, stealing. YG doesn't think twice before taking the boy with him to the quarters. A thief, most of all small and agile, would be perfect, and Youngbae fits perfectly the description. Also, Jiyong would be happy to finally know somebody of his own age. 

Hyunseung it's another story.

YG's "activity" has gotten bigger, the black market is opening his arms at him and he happily gets in the business. Se7en is the first killer within his group and a smooth talker, he brings the big money and opens many opportunity for Hyun Suk's business to expand. Jiyong and Youngbae have grown enough to begin with more serious missions, and he couldn't have been more proud, especially of Jiyong. The kid is a natural.  
He remembers the day Se7en and him went to Gangnam to have a "nice" talk with Lee So Man, a potential big costumer that Se7en managed to convince into YG's developing "business". As they sit on the large L shaped sofas, a little kid makes his way into the room wearing little to no clothes. He has bruises all over and he looks Youngbae's and Jiyong's age. He has to gulp down the rising bile when the boy turns around and he sees black bruises all along his lower back, disappearing under his ruined pants.   
It's a fatal twist when, after an entire night of YG controlling himself to take this kid under his wing, Lee So Man tries to kill both him and Se7en, a fatal twist for three reasons: one, the one that pointed the gun at  his head, was the kid; two, he ends up killing his soon-to-be partner and get to steal every of his possession, getting him four times richer then ever; three, he takes the kid with him and does his best to make him forget his past.

** Jiyong, Hyunseung and Youngbae are inseparable ** , he believes that only death can part the three of them, and YG is proud. He sees the three of them grow, he sees Jiyong learning to be a Leader, he sees Youngbae developing into a wise second in command, he sees Hyunseung breach through his shell of skills and no-feelings, slowly but surely, and he feels proud.

Everybody starts kidding with YG saying he's becoming a compulsive kid rescuer, he denies even after he saves Daesung and Seunghyun. After Seungri, he starts accepting the nickname of "papa YG".

** Jiyong, Hyunseung and Youngbae are inseparable. **  He tries to ignore the fact that Jiyong and Hyunseung seem to be more fond of each other than a normal brotherhood, but he can't. It's blatantly obvious. YG tries to not let this fact concern him too much. Jiyong is smart, he is impulsive, but to a certain extent and Hyunseung knows better than anyone else how to control his feelings. He ignores the worry that seeps in when he sends the group on a difficult mission with Se7en, he monitors the developing of said mission as much as he can, so he sees when they get ambushed, he sees when Jiyong loses his focus to check on Hyunseung, he sees it when Hyunseung gets covered by Seungri and he sees when Hyunseung falls on the ground lifeless. A corpse among a mass of dead bodies. He also sees the smirk Se7en gives the hidden cameras right before disappearing. He stops looking when the abandoned building gets filled by Jiyong's agonized scream.

 

 

 

 

** XII. **

«Seungri! Are you coming tonight or do you want to stay in and watch some lesbian porn?» Daesung shouts from his living room.  
«Yah! It was a one time thing!» he replies, stomping out of his bedroom and reaching a well-dressed Daesung. His eyes are covered by his bangs and he's playing with a toothpick that Seungri knows it'll soon end up between his teeth. «How did you get in, by the way?» he says distracted while reaching for his tailored black jacket and wearing it on, carefully pulling his white cuffs out and fixing them meticulously.  
«I hacked each room of this hotel» Daesung says shrugging «I basically have a passepartout instead of just my card» Seungri just sighs. Thinking about it, it was kind of obvious the other one would do something like this.  
He nods to the door and steps for a second in front of the mirror, admiring his slicked-back blond hair, checking that no strand is out of place, then he checks his white dress shirt, flattening the surface against his toned chest, lastly, he puts on his loafers «hey, do you think my babies are noticeable?» he asks turning around. He moves around, flattening his jacket so that the back of his dress jacket is smooth against his lower back, while Daesung scrutinize him carefully.  
«no, although it would be visible if you decided to twerk during the night» he sighs «which I bet you'll do» he points out while exiting Seungri's room with the younger following behind «but If you do, I already know _somebody_ won't be displeased» he smirks. 

Seungri hears a soft «but everyone else will be» but he decides to ignore it as he trots his way to the elevator.

When they both arrive, the music is blazing through the entire place, there are girls walking around in tiny provocative dresses, their heels shining over the marble floor, casting colors on the surface when the lights hit them in the right spot.   
A girl with bunny ears greets them with two flutes of Champagne and, when she turns around, they notice her black suit has also a fluffy white tail that she wiggles sexily as she walks among the people. Daesung trails after her, leaving Seungri alone.   
Seunghyun greets him with a smirk that deepens his dimples, and pats brotherly on his shoulder.  
«You like what I did? I'd say you have a rather vast choice here» he says proudly with his deep voice as he looks over the room.   
It turns out that what was supposed to be a night out just him and the eldest, was busted by the others that insisted in turning it into a full blown party. Seungri doesn't know if he should be happy or not. It was supposed to be a night to get his mind away from his leader, now, he'll have to deal with his long-time crush flirting around.  
«I'd say I like it if it were just the two of us, hyung» he sincerely replies, and Seunghyun frowns a bit at that.  
«are you worried because of Ji–» as he says that, the leader walks in, his black hair styled back, sunglasses on even if they're inside, dress shirt opened to reveal his chest and Seungri has to turn around to not be caught staring. Seunghyun, being the smart ass he is, pats the younger's shoulder and handles him his Champagne flute. «you'll need to drink after this» he teases, and Seungri turns back again, only to see his leader draping an arm over the shoulder of their Japanese colleague, Kiko.  
Seungri downs both his flute and Seunghyun's, before turning around and walking to the swimming pool. He smirks when he finds both of his arms draped over two hot girls, stroking his chest over his shirt. 

_Remember Seungri, you are here to distract yourself._

 

Only that he doesn't, and soon enough he finds himself walking alone through the halls of a deserted hotel, trying to calm himself from breaking anything.  
His back tingles, a remainder of the two **Gerber Mark II 2** pressed against his lower back. He needs to release himself, somehow, and the impulse of taking out his babies and getting in the streets is hard to suppress, so he doesn't. 

He spins around right before reaching the elevator and walks, instead, towards the back exit.

The night air of Seoul hits him full force and he's ready to leash out his demons, when a shadow catches his attention. 

When he walks towards the figure, blades in hand, he's surprised to find him there, crouched against the wall, hands in his hair. He puts away his knifes and strides towards the cause of his escape.

«you're here» Jiyong says, not lifting his eyes from the asphalt. His voice is a whisper and Seungri stops right in front of him, head hung low.

«where else should I be?» he murmurs. 

«you went away» Jiyong accuses, and Seungri sighs, because although he tries to be good and silent, he feels played most of the time. 

«I didn't think you'd need my company» his voice is laced of jealous accusations. Jiyong was with Kiko, Jiyong spent the entire night with Kiko, he talked with Kiko, laughed with Kiko and who knows what else he did. Seungri doesn't know and doesn't want to find out.

«when  _I arrived_ –»

«you were with her» he interrupts, and his jealousy isn't hidden anymore, and although he should, he doesn't care at the moment. He walked out the party to not think about it, to distract himself, and  _this_ , this isn't helping him at all.

«...all _I saw_ was you» Jiyong continues. Seungri's head lifts enough to look at Jiyong and he finds Jiyong doing the same.

«I tried, Seungri. God only knows how much I tried. But I can't. I can't get you out of my mind» Seungri knows he has his jaw slacked open, and he closes it instantly «I want you, Seungri, I want you to be mine» Jiyong stands up from his crouched position and now they're so close that Seungri can smell the expensive cologne the elder uses. «be mine, Seungri» Jiyong moves impossibly closer and Seungri's breath is short.

«I am» he croaks out «I am yours» because Jiyong won this game before it even started. Jiyong wins this game every day, with every smirk, every light touch, every gaze exchanged, it has Victory falling defeated. «you won me even before you wanted me»

« _I won_ » Jiyong murmurs with a smile, he sounds like he doesn't believe, so Seungri does what he has been wanting to do for a long time and meets Jiyong's lips with his.

 

Seungri learns that night that the game Jiyong won was a game that had the defeated with a bullet through his skull. He learnt that Russian Roulette is exciting until you lose and what makes it bitter is that he was a dead man from the moment he decided to play.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **1 Mia** **Ri** is one of the main Red Light districts in Seoul.  
**2[Gerber](http://www.smashinglists.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Gerber-Mark-II.jpg)[ Mark II](http://www.smashinglists.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Gerber-Mark-II.jpg) ** is a combat knife, considered one of the deadliest combat knifes on the market.

 

 

* * *

 


	5. When reality is hidden from us, we're more secure and yet we fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Orbene, per un difetto comune della nostra natura di uomini, quando la realtà ci è nascosta o sconosciuta, siamo ancora più sicuri di noi stessi, e nel contempo più la temiamo"
> 
> And so, for a common fault in our human nature, when reality is hidden from us, or unknown, we are more secure about ourselves, and yet we fear it even more.  
> Caesar, II,4

 

 

 

** XIII. **

There so little a man can do once he stops. Seungri has stopped.

What can he do when all he knows is how to run a blade through a man's throat? When all the business he's able to run is that of white powder, crystals and metal? 

A normal life is commonly known as building a family, opening a business —or finding a job that pays well— and living from then on with concerns that are just about how to build a future for his future kids. His normal life is about bullets and gore, living life at the edge as the fact it'll all end sooner or later is more a comforting certainty instead of a fearful reality. His normal life is made of adrenaline and fun, of peaks without boredom, of worry less nights and life-threatening days. It has always been like that. Always. 

It's like a blanket. Knowing that sooner or later a bullet will strike his body and turn everything to black, or that a fire will envelop his body and turn it into ashes, or that one day he'll meet someone better than him at playing with knifes. Somebody may betray him, stab him behind his back, but knowing it may happen, eases his mind and strangely, makes his sleep peaceful.

He doesn't care of an impending death. Once he did, he had people to leave behind, people who'd suffer for his end. Now he's alone, and no-one would know if one of his enemies sliced his throat open with his own blade.

_Ignorance is bliss._

Istanbul stands regal and proud in front of his eyes. It's another night spent watching the sun hide behind the horizon and born again when morning comes. Another night spent in the freezing air of a place that is known for its warmth. 

_Another night spent not living._

He glances at his wrist. A silver band adorning his wrist, burning through skin and melting his bone —figuratively— the only memoir of a life he threw away, for the sake of sanity.

_There's no reason to fear death, when you live without a pulse._

He knows, Seungri knows, that it's not gangs and not assassinations that made his life. It's not drug dealing or black market that made him a living human. It was the scent of white musk and sandalwood, the sound of low notes with raspy edges, boring pupils and magnetizing irises, pink gums and blinding smiles, that, day by day, year after year, became the substitute of a pumping heart and breathing lungs.

_Now, what is a man without a pulse, without air? Dead._

Seungri is a dead man.

 

 

** XIV. **

«so you're leaving» he stops abruptly as soon as he hears Youngbae breaking the silence. He knew he was there, but at the same time, he had been standing still for half an hour before saying anything.

«Ji» he corrects himself « ...Jiyong  remembers everything».

The silence that follows tells him all Youngbae has to say, so he doesn't turn to see what he's thinking.

«and so you are leaving» he repeats after a long minute passing with Seungri packing his guns. He doesn't answer, it's pretty obvious he is, it's also obvious the other knows why.

«are you that coward to run away just beca–»

«he told me I was a replacement» the words sting still, even after an entire night mulling over them, caressing the mop of hair of a sleeping Jiyong, pretending he's ok despite the streaks of dried tears on his loved one's cheeks.

«you know tha–»

«it was a lie? Yes, I know» he interrupts again, dropping a pair of shoes into the bag. He lets a sigh of exasperation run out of his chapped lips, before licking them from side to side to fleetingly hydrate them. «but the point is he said it. He made the decision to push me away» he looks at the bag, almost full of everything, his ears pick the soft snore of Jiyong, sleeping on his bed while he's packing inside his walk-in wardrobe. 

«you know... before he remembered... he kept pushing me away without knowing why, so I kept on... I don't know... waiting for him to finally make a decision... and now that he knows why he was... unsure... he still decided to push me away» he stands up, going for the drawer in which he keeps his wrist watches, and chooses the ones he prefers.

«but you know he loves you, Ri-ah» he'd like to snort to this, but he prefers turning around so he can face Youngbae.

«and yet, he tells me I was a replacement. Yet, he lies hoping I'll believe his lie so I wouldn't hurt as much» it's absurd, how knowing someone loves you, can hurt you more than knowing he hates you. He lived both situations, and this one hurts like a bitch.

«you're strong Seungri. Don't let this—»

«I'm strong» he concedes, although a part of him wants to call it bullshit «I'm strong enough to leave this country so he can live believing he made the right choice. I'm strong enough to walk out that door without looking back» he glances at the opened entrance of his closet, the sight allowing him to look at the sleeping man who killed him with words and badly made lies. 

«what I'm not, is strong enough to stay and watch as he denies our happiness with the self-constructed lie that he's making the right choice. I'm not strong enough to see him pretending and having to pretend as well, because I'd love him enough to act as if I agreed with him, as if I believed him» his gaze inevitably lands on Youngbae, and he sees him heaving a deep breath before turning to the sleeping man behind him. He pinches right between his eyes and Seungri follows as the elder's shoulders sag in defeat.

«I guess there's no way then to convince you to stay» it pierces right through him, the defeated tone of his brother.

«there is... but I was denied of it» his eyes water, but he refuses to let them release the drops that he's keeping anchored to his waterline. He's not going to cry. He made a pledge.

«I'll miss you guys. For all it matters, you are my family, wherever I'll be» he says walking beside Youngbae, letting the elder hold him in an embrace. He lets the elder's warmth envelope him.

«you'll always be welcomed to come back» he hears the muffled words coming from his shoulder, and he pats the man's back before resuming his work.

 

 

 

 

** XV. **

He wakes up to shivers and cold sweat. 

The windows are wide open, the curtains moving. He snatches the gun fluidly, the moon providing enough light to check his surroundings.  
The new job in Istanbul takes away enough energy to grant him sleep, yet, the nature of it once again doesn't grant him any kind of safety. Seungri likes his new job. 

His room is clean, which is strange, since any possible intruder must have come inside by that window, but maybe, they weren't sent to kill him, maybe they were sent to find information. Both governmental agencies and rivals are on his back, little do they know that the only files regarding the activity, are stored in his mind and his mind only.

He walks silently towards the living-room. His steps lighter then a feather, and there it is, the figure of the intruder, looking out the windows that open on the streets below. He pulls the trigger ever so silently an— 

  
«You said you always enjoyed the sun rise» his arm drops, the gun points at the floor «I don’t. In fact, I detest it. I always hated when the sun rose and now, now that the sun is… well, dying… I hate it even more» he turns, and Seungri watches as Jiyong latches his eyes on him. The look he's giving him is so intense, it bores holes in his brain. How? How and why was he there? 

«When the sun rises, it means that the whores down Mia Ri go back to their apartments. It means that parties and gatherings end in stead of a desk and papers. It means that lovers brake the spell the moon casted on them to get back to their ordinary lives. It means that dreams fade giving their place to reality, and I hate that» it's not the time to make this kind of talks. Seungri as been in Istanbul for half an year now, the morning after he is supposed to go on a mission where, if he's lucky, he won't come back from. He has woken up after little sleep, and  _this_ , this isn't the time for this kind of talks. Not when Seungri did his best to—

«I hate that because it means that the violet wigged whore that gave me food, is going to leave me alone on the streets. It means that the distraction of booze and street fights, will get replaced by the boredom of strolling the streets in search for food in the dumpsters behind run-down restaurants. It means that the girl or boy that made me feel less alone, are going to go back to their home or their school or whatever. It means that I will have to wake up to a reality I detest but I have no will to leave» Seungri's eyes follow each movement of the other as he slowly approaches. He's feline and he walks determined and graceful towards him. Seungri is trapped.

«Watching the moon replace the sun is more empowering, more mystic, more poetic. The sky burns of the warmest colors, colors so pretty that not even the most skilled artist could ever replicate» he's in front of him now, so near Seungri feels his breath on his face, and it feels like a deja-vu, only with inverted roles. The references to what he told him, aren't being missed by Seungri.

«And what’s so majestic about birds chirping, cars and trucks driving and people walking? What are those when the most beautiful melody are those of hummingbirds? What are those against the brightness of stars and neon lights? What’s so majestic in what is ordinary?» Jiyong's hand travels on his arm and Seungri whishes, he damn whishes he wasn't so weak to his touch. 

«Pain, hurt, hate, suffering, happiness, delight and love are nothing like the dawn» the hand travels up and up, Seungri's head bows down and down. He won't look at him, not in the eyes, not his lips. He'll lose, he swore he wouldn't lose anymore «Those come with the vehemence of a shooting star, those struck you in such an intense way you are left wandering how did it happen» his hand is on his chin, and he lifts it up until Seungri has to give in and his eyes get stuck in the magnetic hold of Jiyong's.

«Loving you is not a choice, it wasn’t, because if it was, I would have chosen not to. Because, yes, loving you, loving… it’s like Russian Roulette, but the gun is loaded of bullets for the both of us» Seungri gulps down. Jiyong shouldn't be there, not to butcher him further «Loving is dangerous. Loving, for us, is deadly. And I wouldn’t care, because we’re going to die sooner or later, but I would care if I had to survive your death. You would care if you had to survive mine. And I’ve been through it, I have, and I ended up sending you to an hospital and not managing to kill myself in the process» Jiyong looks down, breaking the contact, making Seungri feel lost, so helplessly lost.

«Ri… I’m hating myself so much for what I’m about to say. I’m hating myself so much because I’ll put myself and yourself in a position that I shouldn’t even consider, but I’m not going to take back what I’m going to say, nor now, or ever» the blow is coming and Seungri has anger rising inside him. Jiyong came only to kill him with words. He preferred a knife planted deep in his sternum.

«Be mine Seungri, let me be yours» Nothing is in his mind, all thoughts blown away by the unexpected words. 

This draws him back to that night in which he found Jiyong crouched against a wall, only that now he's not the only one offering himself in the ordeal.

«Fuck consequences, fuck dreams, fuck night and day, dawn and twilight. I want you, and I want forever, and I’m a selfish bastard that does selfish and bastard things but I want you» Jiyong holds his gaze and his hands, unknowingly, his heart too. Seungri's head is dizzy, words spinning inside. This is a lot to take in.

«Be mine. Keep loving me. Keep loving me even when I’ll push you away. Keep loving me even when I’ll have a bullet in my head. Let me be selfish. Let me be yours» 

And this, _this_ , should scare him. Because it's a common fault in human's nature, when reality is hidden or unknown, to fear future and bask in the security ignorance provides, and a part of him fears what future has planned for him, and Jiyong is unstable —that's undeniable. He's pulled Seungri close to him for so many times in the past and always pushed him away afterwards, creating deeper cuts and shattering small pieces of him that were bound to get lost.

Seungri should be scared because Jiyong is unstable while Seungri is rooted securely in certainties, yet, Jiyong's eyes don't waver, his hands don't tremble and his voice is set and warm and convincing. 

Seungri should be scared but for the life of him, he isn't.

«ok…» he nods, eyes not wavering, not leaving Jiyong's «ok» 

and Jiyong leans in, and his lips are on Seungri's and Seungri breathes and his heart beats.

 

 

 

**_ Fin. _ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been really long since I last updated this story, and I'm really sorry for that.  
> This is the end of the fic, and I really do hope you liked it.   
> I know that the jumps in the plot have been quite confusing, but I thought it gave the story a certain edge that I have always loved to read in other stories or watch in movies.   
> Thank you all for reading this far and for your patience, it really meant a lot ^^


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